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Murmurs From the Losers’ Bracket: Is a Pickleball Escort a thing?!

Murmurs from the Losers' Bracket Frank Cerabino 10-16-2023

Is there such a thing as a pickleball escort?

We here at Murmurs from the Losers’ Bracket didn’t think that was a thing. If it were, you’d imagine there was some evidence of the pickleball escort trade bubbling up through ads posted in the dark corners of the internet.

You know, something like this:

Could you be my Erne?
Fun-loving 4.5 available for no-strings-attached tournament pairings with like-minded dinkers. Must be flexible on covering lobs, stacking and taking direction. Non-smokers only.

But no. Nothing like that has popped up. The idea of “pickleball escorts” seemed to be far-fetched.

Until this summer. And it happened in a strange place: on a network TV show.

We at Murmurs from the Losers’ Bracket can’t get enough of the comedian Steve Harvey’s work as the host of Family Feud.

Here’s a sample of Harvey’s work in this compilation of strange moments from the show

The TV gods have wisely given Harvey a new show to work his magic. He has been recast as “Judge Steve Harvey”, presiding over a mock courtroom where strange small-claims beefs get sorted out for a daytime TV audience.

In the recently completed second season of the Judge Steve Harvey show, one of the featured cases was about a husband suing his wife over her love of pickleball.

If only real trial courts were this amusing.

Louis Elliott was suing his wife, Anne-Marie for $1,200 in economic damages for signing up to travel alone to North Carolina for a weeklong pickleball camp. And he was also suing her for $500 for loss of affection because her love of pickleball is “leaving him lonely.”

“I’m here today because pickleball has taken over my wife’s life,” the husband complained to Harvey. “She plays five, six, sometimes seven days a week and she leaves me home alone.”

The man said that pickleball is ruining their otherwise happy 26-year marriage.

The wife didn’t deny her devotion to pickleball. She even wore a pickleball paddle charm on the necklace she had on for the trial.

But she countered that she had never intended to abandon her husband, and always invited him to play with her, but instead, he would decline to play.

“When he says, ‘Don’t play pickleball, let’s do something together,’ he means stay home, sit on the floor, read a book, play with our dogs,” the wife said. “That’s not entertaining. It’s not social. It’s not fun.”

Judge Harvey asked the husband to explain his issue with pickleball.

“She has gotten obsessed with it,” the man explained. “She’s in four leagues.”

The husband went on to say that pickleball makes players so devoted that they’ll play outdoors whether it’s freezing cold or “100 degrees.”

“And they won’t play for an hour, an hour and a half – I would do that in a heartbeat,” the husband complained. “They play for three and half hours.”

Then the husband unloaded on his wife, breaking new ground.

“She has become the equivalent of a pickleball escort,” the husband said.

The TV studio audience gasped. And why not?

This was a new chapter in pickleball history – the introduction of the concept of becoming a “pickleball escort.”

“Judge, as God is my witness,” the husband began.

But Harvey interrupted, “Don’t drag the Lord into this. God would have told you not to say that.”

But the husband persevered in explaining how his wife had become a pickleball escort.

“My wife has been receiving phone calls from random people who say there’s a tournament coming up, or I’m doing a pickleball clinic, come on down.”

“People she doesn’t know. Men and women, judge.”

The wife answered: “Well, everybody’s a stranger until you meet them, and you could be in this tournament with me, but you’re at home.”

The “trial” goes on for a bit after that, and rather than tell you how the wise Judge Harvey dispenses justice here, I would prefer to just give you the link to the episode so you can watch it for yourself.

It’s worth the time, especially if you have a pickleball escort situation in your own life.

(It starts at the 29:07 minute mark and goes to the end of the clip.)   

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